LayGuy

At times, I feel like a monster. My public facade is one thing.  My true reality is miles away. Deep down I know the man that I am.  And the man that I am is not the man I want to be.

I find myself hiding behind many masks – some to protect me from others.  Others to make me come across as a person who has it all together.

But deep down, I know there is nothing in me that makes me worthy of anything – especially in the eyes of God.  This is not about self bashing or self pity.  But more of an honest self reflection and evaluation.  And when I do this, I resonate so deeply with what Scripture says in Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

I don’t care about human pride and arrogance which so wants to fight against this statement – because it’s a losing battle if one was honest with himself.  Even if I try to raise above the storm in my heart and try to live a good life, I fall desperately short.  Any attempt to live a morally pleasing life in God’s sight is akin to being a walking tampon…

“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” Isa 64:6

God gave me a conscience which, although is fallen, still knows what is good and right.  And this conscience searches me – even at the best of times – and reports back that I am a mess..

“For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him?” 1 Cor 2:11

Oh yeah, my spirit knows my thoughts and my actions and it knows that on my own merits – even in the best of times, falls hopelessly short of anything that’s good and right.  A walking tampon is such an accurate description of who I am as a person in the eyes of God.

A monster – deserving fully the assault of God’s wrath.  And in part, this is why I really connect with the Christian band Skillet and their new song called “Monster”.  Check it out below and the lyrics can be found at the bottom of this post.

I guess this shows why grace is such a gift.  I’m not going to be judged according to how good I am or the monster inside of me.  My walking tampon of a life is buried, accounted for and hidden in the death of my Savour – Jesus Christ.

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you so much for being the Person I could never be.  Thank you that my worth is not based on me.  But because of what You did and what you accomplished, Your worth is imputed onto me.

You leave me speechless.

Skillet | Monster lyrics

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it

It’s scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
‘Cause if I let him out he’ll tear me up, break me down
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It’s hiding in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I’ve gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster